Sunday, September 17, 2023
HomeCyclingOne Hand Washes The Different – Bike Snob NYC

One Hand Washes The Different – Bike Snob NYC

Good morning.

We’ve all had a variety of laughs right here over time, however it’s essential to cease once in a while and contemplate the much less lucky amongst us. Take into account skilled bicycle owner Lachlan Morton, who has been compelled to undertake his outré publicity stunts endurance rides on a shitty disc brake Cannondale with a silly battery-powered derailleur:

Which he was compelled to shift with a spoke:

Like so:

So principally a Campagnolo rod shifter:

In fact this isn’t the primary time Morton has been undone by his tools, and two years in the past he made headlines when his plastic biking sneakers began bothering him and so he rode the Tour de France alone whereas carrying Birkenstocks:

The Fredly media retailers specifically had been astonished, as till then it was extensively thought-about inconceivable to experience a bicycle whereas carrying sandals.

Anyway, given this, it’s tempting to think about the kinds of pointlessly tough heroic rides Morton would be capable of full if solely he had entry to correct tools and never the throwaway crap his sponsors make him experience. That’s why I’m beginning a fundraising marketing campaign to purchase Lachlan Morton an honest bicycle:

[Photo: Rivendell]

Good for every little thing from Grand Tour race banditing to transcontinental gravel slogs–and simply restored to full performance in minutes with solely the contents of your Banana Sax:

[Photo: Rivendell]

With that bike, that bag, a multitool, some spare cables, and a pair of first rate sandals, he received’t even want a sponsor anymore and he can ditch the SRAM-Pon bike endlessly:

[Once u-Pon a time these were different companies.]

So click on beneath and provides generously:


Talking of roadies in misery, it was solely this previous spring that the Nationwide Biking League represented the “future {of professional} biking:”

Effectively…possibly not:

However the excellent news is at the least the riders who had been laid off must alternative to “purchase fairness within the firm:”

Now, I’m no businessman, however shopping for fairness in an organization so fucked that not solely can’t it afford to pay your wage however it additionally wants all of your tools again doesn’t appear to be a very shrewd monetary choice. However I suppose “You’re fired, can we’ve some cash?” doesn’t have the identical ring to it.

Lastly, I don’t usually open the mail bag right here on the weblog, however once I do you’ll be able to make sure that it’s price your time and a spotlight:

Pricey Bike Snob,

Since summer time started, I’ve been driving by the beneath Victorinox advert, situated down close to the south finish of the Nice Hipster Silk Street, and questioning what use case it represents. Yesterday, I handed it on foot, so I finished to take a more in-depth look and… I nonetheless don’t know. I believed that possibly, together with your unparalleled grasp of the biking cultureways, you’d be capable of inform me what’s occurring right here.

Is it a mix can opener and chain instrument? A technique for prying a 12-speed chain from between the cogs of an 8-speed cassette? A brand new, experimental Rene Herse Ferdi Kübler-edition derailleur? I like Swiss Military knives, however to me they’re like WD-40: fantastic issues with a mess of makes use of, few if any of which apply to bicycles. I believe I have to be lacking one thing. Are you able to shed some gentle?

Lightlessly, your reader,


Firstly, with regard to the so-called “Swiss Military Knife,” I’d put forth that its uselessness goes properly past bicycles. It’s merely an assortment of awful instruments that preys upon the absurd human delusion that we’d one way or the other discover ourselves in a state of affairs by which or lives rely upon concurrently selecting our tooth, submitting our nails, and opening a bottle of wine. (And good luck opening that wine with that stubby-ass corkscrew.) As for what the hell the disembodied hand is doing to that bike, let’s take a more in-depth look:

That is certainly a vexing thriller, however my finest guess is that the rider is utilizing the bottle opener attachment (“I’m dying and I must open a bottle of Mexican Coke. DOES ANYBODY HAVE A SWISS ARMY KNIFE???”) with the intention to elevate the chain onto a sequence hanger earlier than eradicating the wheel:

In fact I can’t make certain, however I like this concept as a result of, like a Swiss Military Knife, a sequence hanger is one thing that looks as if a terrific thought however that you simply by no means truly use. Like, I do know at the least a few of my bikes have a sequence hanger, however I couldn’t start to inform you what number of as a result of I by no means truly use it–even the garments hook in THE CAR THAT I OWN appears indispensable compared. So, given the vested curiosity the Swiss have in perpetuating the false notion that their eponymous Military Knife is one thing you must have with you always, in addition to their well-documented propensity for conserving their arms clear [see: numbered bank accounts, money laundering, etc.], I posit that the disembodied hand is hanging a sequence on a sequence hanger with a Swiss Military Knife while avoiding sullying itself with chain grime.

However I’m open to different concepts.



Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here

Most Popular

Recent Comments